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Chinese Vice-President Xi tells Americans “Only some of you will become our slaves. The rest of you will be our sex slaves”
In his visit to the United States, the Vice President of China promised Americans that once China takes over the world, only some Americans will be forced to work in its expansive industrial zones. “Forced labor will only comprise a small portion of our strategy,” Xi explained, speaking about the future of U.S.-China relations. “Many […]
Posted in: Asia & Pacific
Obama 2013 budget allocates $7/month for Netflix, $60/month for gym
February 13, 2012
The White House encouraged all Americans to opt for Netflix streaming, "or at least just one DVD at a time," to cut their Saturday night bar tabs to something in the range of $40-50 instead of $60.
Posted in: United States
WEEK IN AUTOCRACY: Photos, 6-11 February 2012
February 11, 2012
Political turmoil erupted in Maldives this past week, as the country's president resigned in what he said was a coup d'etat, and the country's roughly 350,000 citizens suddenly realized that they were trapped in the middle of the ocean with absolutely nowhere to go.
Posted in: Africa, Asia & Pacific, Europe, Latin America, Middle East, South/Central Asia, United States
With negotiations under way, United States congratulates Taliban on impressive campaign
February 7, 2012
This past weekend, the New York Times provided details on ongoing contact between Taliban leader Mullah Muhammad Omar and the United States. You remember the Taliban, right? Financed by Osama bin Laden. They harbored al-Qaeda leading up to the Sept 11 attacks. Remember the whole attack on our country thing? And Omar. You know this […]
Posted in: South/Central Asia, United States
“I just need one more term to ruin everything,” president of Senegal vows
February 1, 2012
Just because a president goes out of his way to build something as wonderfully unnecessary as a $25 million bronze Monument of Resistance with the help of North Korean contractors–and then goes on to claim that he deserves 35% of all tourism revenues it generates because, after all, he was the mastermind behind the concept […]
Posted in: Africa
Gingrich, Romney, Santorum are gay, investigation finds
January 31, 2012
The three men are in actuality ultra-homosexual, socialist, militant-environmentalist, liberals, who are seeking to secure the Office of President in order to pursue a "gay left-wing agenda characterized by the dissolution of the nuclear family unit, rampant drug use, and exorbitant government spending."
Posted in: United States
Romney promises quick dismantling of country, killing of millions
January 31, 2012
"First things first, we're going to murder everyone here. Then, of course, we'll kill your children. After we burn down your houses, we'll dismantle all regulations on the financial industry, start burning more coal, and cut taxes," Romney told supporters Tuesday. Despite being a bit uncomfortable with the first few items on the agenda, the crowd seemed to be totally behind everything else.
Posted in: United States
Losing Florida, Gingrich looks ahead to Moon primary
January 31, 2012
"I'm out of my goddamn mind," Gingrich told reporters Tuesday. "And after the moon, we'll take Nevada."
Posted in: United States
Gingrich, Romney exchange barbs on spying for China
January 28, 2012
Romney's camp fought back, citing a partially-leaked report that Gingrich has received well over USD$560,000 from the Chinese government in return for "overseeing the construction of an intricate espionage network."
Posted in: Uncategorized
Obama advises congress to be more like undemocratic, gun-wielding military
January 25, 2012
“Congress should work more like the most autocratic and hierarchical institution this country has, whereby orders are passed down via a rigid chain of command and blindly obeyed without hesitation or debate,” Obama announced in Tuesday’s State of the Union address. “Also, it would be great if members of congress could drive around in Humvees […]
Posted in: Uncategorized
Romney and Gingrich are Chinese spies, new report reveals
January 21, 2012
Republican presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are both Chinese, and are paid spies from China, a report released by the FBI revealed this week.
Posted in: United States
US to renew Myanmar ties in first step towards bringing Sizzler to Myanmar
January 16, 2012
The developments of the last year have surprised even the most weirdly obsessed observer of the situation in the country of Myanmar–formally called Burma, which is still called Burma by the United States, because, of course, you can call your country whatever you’d like, but we’ll stick to our name for it, thanks. The country […]
Posted in: Asia & Pacific
Life-threatening heart condition proves John Edwards may actually possess a heart
January 13, 2012
“After cheating on my wife while she was in remission from cancer and secretly fathering a child with my mistress, I could have sworn I didn’t have this organ. Well, not only do I have it, but it’s eventually going to murder me,’ former Democratic presidential nominee John Edwards said Friday amid reports he has […]
Posted in: Uncategorized
Republican candidate Rick Santorum dead, nation hopes
January 12, 2012
The opponent of gay rights and the science of climate change, was stabbed violently before being hung by his feet, decapitated, and sodomized by a horse in the imagination of every single person in the nation last night just around 8:15pm.
Posted in: Uncategorized
Assassination of Iranian nuclear scientist proves US and Israel as good at making car bombs as al-Qaeda
January 11, 2012
Government officials in both the US and Israel have reminded their citizens that attaching bombs to the cars of civilians is only bad when other people do it.
Posted in: Uncategorized
Rick Santorum against gay marriage despite having never been gay married
January 6, 2012
Rick Santorum–who looks a bit like that kid who had his mom call your mom in 4th grade because you and your friends didn’t invite him to your birthday party, but who also looks like a closet racist, closet homosexual, and basically a closet anything you can think of–has done it again. This isn’t in […]
Posted in: United States
Obama unveils strategy for elimination of US military
January 5, 2012
"While we will no longer have a military, all United States citizens will instead be allowed to carry their own personal firearms and form militias as they see fit, thus allowing our country to be agile, flexible and ready for the full range of contingencies and threats," Obama told a news briefing
Posted in: Uncategorized
Analysis: Iowa caucus irrelevant if Bachmann takes White House by force
January 4, 2012
After placing sixth out of six candidates in Tuesday’s caucus, receiving just about five percent of the vote in her home state of Iowa, Michele Bachmann is officially suspending her campaign for president. More than anything, of course, this means that the war against carbon dioxide, which our country has so unjustly led for too […]
Posted in: United States
YEAR IN AUTOCRACY, Photos 2011
December 31, 2011
"You'll have to forgive my appearance everyone," Qaddafi declared, "You see, I was mercilessly beaten and sodomized with a knife before being shot in the head earlier this afternoon ."
Posted in: Africa, Asia & Pacific, Europe, Latin America, Middle East, South/Central Asia, United States
In hilarious turn of events, North Korea’s nuclear arsenal now in the hands of this adorable bastard
December 19, 2011
Looking forward to certain nuclear war, The Daily Autocrat looks back at a brilliant exposé our team did earlier this year on this little teddy bear/menace. The piece can be found here: Kim Jong-un to be cuddliest psychopath in the world
Posted in: Asia & Pacific
Heaven great, Kim Jong-il reports from hell
December 18, 2011
"Once I get comfortable and settled in I will have a great time here in heaven--oh my God, so much pain, such excruciating pain," the late dictator said Sunday.
Posted in: Asia & Pacific
Bachmann: “I am the President of the United States”
December 16, 2011
"I currently hold the office of president, by which I lead the executive branch of the federal government and am the commander-in-chief of the United States Armed Forces," Bachmann announced on-stage Thursday.
Posted in: United States
Connection between payroll tax cut and Keystone XL oil pipeline obvious if you’re a pipeline, says Keystone XL oil pipeline
December 16, 2011
The pipeline--which measures 36-inches in diameter and would stretch more than 1,600 miles from Canada through several U.S. states-- quickly dismissed the idea that it might at all be unethical for Republicans to push for a largely irrelevant project by threatening Americans with the possibility of paying another 2 percentage points of their income in taxes.
Posted in: United States
Americans finally allowed to be imprisoned indefinitely without charge
December 15, 2011
President Obama explained that Americans deserve the same rights as people all over the world. "For too long, Americans have voiced the desire to be arrested on their native soil and then indefinitely imprisoned without charge by the military in places like Guatánamo Bay," the President said Thursday.
Posted in: United States
U.S. drone crashes into parked car after 2am Taco Bell run
December 13, 2011
Following this week's drone crash in the island nation of Seychelles and the publicized capture of a drone in Iran, an unarmed MQ-9 drone was reported to have hit a parked car on the way out of a Taco Bell parking lot in West Covina, California at 2:00am early Tuesday morning. The incident has led many to conclude that the drones are somewhere in their late teens to early 20s.
Posted in: Uncategorized
U.S. exits Iraq after having killed everyone in it
December 13, 2011
We have to end this war," Obama explained, "because there's no one left in the country. Literally, everyone is dead. It's pretty weird."
Posted in: Middle East, United States
Newt Gingrich “out of his mind,” Newt Gingrich tells audience
December 9, 2011
"Newt Gingrich crazy. Newt Gingrich want moon mirror system in space to provide light for highways. Newt Gingrich want permanent lunar colony to exploit moon's resources. Newt Gingrich completely insane," Gingrich announced to a crowd in Atlanta Friday before donning a spacesuit and driving off in a Ferrari.
Posted in: United States
European leaders reach agreement to act as if crisis is solved until next week when crisis returns
December 9, 2011
"This decision will be discussed publicly for the next 48 hours, over which time the media and analysts will go from cautiously supporting it to coming to the conclusion that it's completely inadequate and that we should all start panicking again," Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany said Friday.
Posted in: Uncategorized
Stalin’s daughter dies without even being brutally murdered, Stalin laments
December 7, 2011
"Someone could have at least removed all her entrails and then slit her throat," the late Russian Communist Party Leader said following the death of his daughter last week.
Posted in: Europe
Hezbollah leader publicly backs Syrian president in latest move to “repel every single woman who could possibly be interested in sleeping with me”
December 7, 2011
"Just in case any woman around here finds me the least bit attractive or interesting, let it be clear that I'm a total prick," Hassan Nasrallah, Hezbollah’s leader, said Wednesday before announcing his unwavering support for President Bashar al-Assad of Syria. Experts in the region agree that at this rate Nasrallah is unlikely to find a girlfriend before the new year
Posted in: Middle East
Merkel and Sarkozy now dating, sources say
December 6, 2011
"We will most likely eat-in tonight and go horse-back riding Thursday," read a joint statement this morning.
Posted in: Europe
Cain’s departure opens door for new, crazy candidate with no understanding of foreign policy
December 3, 2011
I believe it was John F. Kennedy who said that every good presidential campaign can be summed up with a quote from Pokémon. Kennedy was a bit of a dick, but he was right. And that’s exactly what Herman Cain did before bowing out Saturday afternoon to spend more time with his wife right before […]
Posted in: United States
Herman Cain campaign to strictly target other sexual deviants
December 1, 2011
Whether you have cheated on your wife for over a decade, groped numerous men, women, boys, or girls in crowded subways or playgrounds, or have frequented lewd internet chat rooms late at night while your family was watching television in the next room, I'm your candidate," Cain said at a press conference Tuesday evening.
Posted in: Uncategorized
EXCLUSIVE: Obama congratulates Libyans on sodomizing Qaddafi with a knife before executing him
October 31, 2011
"I want to congratulate the people of Libya on mercilessly sodomizing Colonel Qaddafi with knives and sticks before executing him. This marks the end of a long and painful chapter for the Libyan people and a slightly shorter, but weirder and definitely very painful chapter for the colonel."
Posted in: Africa
OPINION: The time is ripe for a charismatic, populist leader to channel people’s anger into war
October 30, 2011
Public anger–with foreign lenders, corrupt government leaders beholden to a reckless finance industry, and the destructive economic policies that this relationship has led to–has manifested itself in rallies across the globe. In Greece, a population facing crippling debt and debilitating austerity measures is lashing out at its leaders, the EU, and the country’s creditors–who in […]
Posted in: Europe, United States
Popular Mitt Qaddafi costume sells out in stores this Halloween
October 29, 2011
The hybrid Mitt Romney-Muammar Qaddafi costume, featuring a universal healthcare scheme, a bullet to the head, a flashy pinstripe suit, and a ravaged anal cavity proved hugely popular among Halloween-goers this year.
Posted in: Africa, United States
INTERVIEW: Lincoln Mitchell on Occupy Wall Street
October 22, 2011
Lincoln Mitchell is an Associate Research Scholar at the Harriman Institute at Columbia University. Before joining Columbia’s faculty, Lincoln was a practitioner of political development and continues to work in that field now. In addition to serving as Chief of Party for the National Democratic Institute (NDI) in Georgia from 2002-2004, Lincoln has worked on […]
Posted in: United States
EXCLUSIVE: Qaddafi delivers radio address from Hell
October 22, 2011
The following is a rushed transcript from a recent evening address delivered by Colonel Muammar el-Qaddafi, delivered from Hell and broadcasted over Syrian radio station RFE-RL. Well hello everyone, you total fucking assholes. Thanks for everything. And of course I mean that totally sarcastically. So, like you, I’ve been watching this video of the last […]
Posted in: Africa
Photos of your interest, as decided by us
The Daily Autocrat 
February 14, 2012
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